He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied,
"The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run
into too much traffic."

In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses.

This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii" has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:
        reluctance to cook
        reluctance to perform housework
        reluctance to wear anything but boots
        reluctance to work except in support of a horse
        physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)

Beware! if you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end.

"How much for a pair of spurs?"  he asked the sales clerk.

"Forty dollars."

The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty.

"I'll take one spur."

"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."

"Fiddler on the Hoof"

A Neigh-bor!

 Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or
a fool from any direction 

 A bronc rider should be light in the head and heavy in the seat 
 

 Broke is what happens when a cowboy lets his yearnin's get ahead of his earnin's 

 Any cowboy can carry a tune. The trouble comes when he tries tounload it 

 When in doubt, let your horse do the thinkin' 

 When a cowboy's too old to set a bad example, he hands out good advice 

 Worry is like a rockin' horse. It's something to do that don't
get you nowhere 

 Poor is having to sell the horse to buy the saddle

When no one answered, he yelled, "THAT HOSS BETTER
BE BACK HERE BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH THIS
NEXT BEER, OR I'LL HAVE TO DO LIKE I DID IN
TEXAS, AND I DON'T LIKE DOING WHAT I DID IN
TEXAS!" And he sat down to have another pint. 

When he was done, he found the horse standing outside.
Before he left, the bartender came running out. "Just whut did
you do in Texas, mister?" he asked. 

"I had to bloody walk home, that's what."

When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.

And now, the REAL story......

When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods, and we need to leave NOW!

When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.

When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.

 When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick MUCH faster (and harder) than omnivores.

When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.

When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.

When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.

When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION.  Remember?  I told you about those lions in them thar woods?

When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs. of "YAHOO LETS GO!"  can do when suitably inspired.

When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.

When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs. of grain that needs to be unloaded.

When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services"

When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.

Sincerely.
Your Horse

So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 

2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 

4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

5.  Always drink upstream from the herd. 

6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 

7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 

8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 

9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

10.  If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 

11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 

12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Good things about Horses:
If they don't work out, you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot or an apple.

 Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn. 

Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave. 

Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn. 

A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions. 

Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or 
manicures. 

A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave. 

Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at 
worst, slight trace of chapstick. 

Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable 
little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store. 

 Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the 
sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater. 

 Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at 
 the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists 

A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" 
appear in its name. 

Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every 
square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself 
into mud. 

A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a 
companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it. 

Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six 
hundred dollars on tack, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling. 

An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about 
training or breeding. 

Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots. 

A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.) 

Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever. 

Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse. 

 Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you."

 The little boy said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" 
"Yes, he sure did," said the cop. 

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

But the day came when I had to go 
And I left the kids with ma. 
But before I left she asked me, 
"Would you pick me up a bra?" 

Without thinkin' I said "Sure," 
How tough could that job be? 
I bent down and kissed her And said, 
"I'll be back by three" 

Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret 
Ever offering to buy that thing, 
I was working up a sweat. 

I crossed the street to the ladies shop 
With my hat pulled over my eyes, 
I wasn't takin' any chances 
On bein' recognized. 

I walked up to the sales clerk - 
I didn't hem or haw - 
I told the lady right straight out, 
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra." 

From behind I heard some snickers, 
So I turned around to see 
At least fifteen women in the store 
And they's all gawkin' at me! 

"What kind would you be looking for?" 
"Well," I just scratched my head. 
I'd only seen one kind before 
"Thought bras was bras," I said. 

She gives me a disgusted look, 

"Well sir, that's where you're wrong. 
Come with me," I heard her say, 
And like a dog, 
I tagged along. 

She took me down this alley 
Where bras was on display. 
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor 
When I seen that lingerie. 

They had all these different styles 
That I'd not seen before 
I thought that I'd go crazy 
'fore I left that women's store. 

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours 
And bras that cross your heart. 
There was bras that lift and separate, 
And that was just the start. 

They had bras that made you feel 
Like you weren't wearing one at all, 
And bras that you can train in 
When you start off when you're small. 

Well, I finally make my mind up - 
Picked a black and lacy one - 
I told the lady, "Bag it up," 
And figured I was done 

But then she asked me for the size. 
I didn't hesitate. 
I knew them measurements by heart, 
A six-and-seven-eighths." 

Six and seven eighths, well sir, 
That really isn't right." 
Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive, 
I just measured them last night." 

I thought that she'd go into shock, 
Musta took her by surprise 
When I told her that my wife's bust 
Was the same as my hat size. 

"That's what I used to measure with, 
I figured it was fair, 
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am." 
This drew another stare. 

By now a crowd had gathered 
And they's all crackin' up 
When the lady asked to see my hat, 
To measure for the cup. 

When she finally had it figured, 
I gave the gal her pay. 
Then I turned to leave the store, 
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day." 

My wife heard the whole story 
'fore I ever made it home. 
She'd talked to fifteen women 
Who'd called her on the phone. 

She was still a-laughin' 
But by then I didn't care. 
Now she don't ask and I don't shop 
For no more women's underwear.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer 
to have him around the house than the drunk. 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day 
and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them
worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the 
rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 

"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. 
You should go into town and kick up your heels." 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday 
night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two
o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and 
upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting
by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly 
called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,  ever so slowly. 

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed 
them neatly by her boots. 

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly 
watching her eyes in the fire light. 

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he 
was told and dropped it to the floor. 

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he 
slowly pulled them down and off. 

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.